You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
