Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
