sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
