omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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