Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
