I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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