dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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