I need to stop coming to work sober
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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