...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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