i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
