last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I love having hate sex.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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