haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
