coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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