so that wasnt chicken after all
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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