Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
