so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
