just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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