Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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