Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
