It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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