You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
