he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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