My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
