Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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