Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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