Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
