so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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