o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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