I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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