I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i want to swaddle you in tequila
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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