you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
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