He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
