just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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