Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
