I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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