i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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