Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
