she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Let's paint friendship bongs
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
