if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
