Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
