you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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