The maid of honor just puked.
...so i touched it.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
