sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
