I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
