Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
