I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
