My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
