Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
