Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
