When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
