garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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