Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
